左手kimI have been away from WordPress, my blog for 8 years. Many things has happen in these years and given that Facebook is so convenient, it has become my place to record my life there.
However, there are things which I’m not comfortable posting there and I don’t feel like writing my feeling in a physical book. Therefore, today, 3:34am I decided to write it here. I am glad that I did not delete this site.
My last post was in the year 2013 where I completed my Master studies. I then started working towards the end of the year. Things has changed once I step into the working environment. Change for better of course. I am moving forward in my life. Things has been pretty good. I moved to a different company in the 2016 and things have been good despite all the challenges in work. I am trying to be positive although I have the thought to resign every time I face with difficulties.
End of year 2017 was a turning point in my life. I will find time to record what have happen that time, based on my vague memories in WordPress. It’s something worth recording.
Okay, fast forward to current, 2021 July. We are facing Covid-19 pandemic for more than a year now. It all started (for my country) in March 2020 where we had lock down for many months. It was a difficult year for many people.
I’m grateful that I have a proper job that allowed me to work from home. Not many people have this opportunity and I hope people can stay strong during this period.
I know things that I’m about to write might not seem as a significant thing to other people. But it’s part of my life and I wish to record it. Years later, I might find myself childish like how I feel when I read my blogpost written more than 10 years ago.
It all started in Dec 2019. I was struggling to get over someone which I find him so interesting but have to let go due to education background and his career. I knew my family is not going to approve him so it was painful to tell him and ended that “relationship”. I knew I need to move on that time so I started to look for another person. This new guy I call him P was a nice guy. I do find we have few things in common and his education background and career was better than the previous one. We started chatting to get to know each other more.
In the beginning, I discovered that his family background is very different from mine. As the old people always advise us to find someone who has “almost” similar family background / status which I truly believe it now. Initially I thought it might be different for my case, we can overcome it, but let’s face the reality. The reality is cruel. I ignore all the potential issues and continue my “online dating” with him.
In the year 2020, we decided we should meet. It was difficult for us to meet as we both work in different states, live in different states. Moreover, I had part time job during weekends, both Saturday and Sunday. So, the meeting was delayed again and again until the Covid-19. The whole nation went into lock down and we continued our “online dating”. It was until July 2020 where we can cross states and we finally meet.
I knew it was not love at first sight for me and I treat it as an opportunity to meet a new friend. However, we are not on the same page. He on the other hand was carrying himself like an actual dating. I was a bit surprised and thought maybe I’m too conservative. My previous first date was not like this. So, I have different expectation. We continue to see each other after that as I wanted to give myself and him a chance. I think it was due to ego as well as I do not wish to fail in relationship.
We had fun dating outdoor like hiking, beach, sight-seeing and eating Thai food. I had a good time with him exploring places. However, the on and off lock down have affected me. I do not feel secure and every time I feel like giving up. He has been consistent with his daily check on me and I appreciate his effort. I’m going to miss this after today. So, I guess you know what happen today. Yes, I have decided to end the short and sweet 1 year relationship with him.
It’s always painful to end a relationship when you know he has do nothing wrong. It’s just that I’m not comfortable and don’t feel right anymore. He has the right to resign. I know he was in a lot of pain in his previous job and I was not able to provide any helpful support. I personally do not support people resign without having any clear direction of what to do. Maybe he is lost and I clearly do not know how to handle the situation. He told me he is not happy with the job. I tried to understand the situation and provided some advice. I guess my advice does not work for him or he actually made up his mind that he was going to quit his job. I knew he was very into investing and I have tried to understand and support him. However, after much exposure, I still do not feel secure. He was into investing for more than 10 years but I still do not feel secure. Every time he told me he lost money, I feel stress and I have been asking myself, is this what I want? He always assured me that he will be successful one day, I just need to give him time. However, I gave a long thought, many many months. I don’t feel this is what I want. Yes, I’m conservative. People like me will not earn big money. I prefer my partner to have a stable job and investment should be a side income if he is interested. Now he is exploring online business . I know he is “searching” himself at the moment. He has the courage to venture into something new. You have my respect, P. However, I am not ready for all this. I don’t feel secure and stable. Please forgive me that I do not have the patience to wait.
I know he has to bare a big responsibility to support his family. He has his own stress. I wish I could support him but he also said, we only live once. We need to live for ourselves too. I do have my own dream to chase. Maybe I am not suitable to be in a relationship? Maybe I haven’t meet a right person? I do not know but I know I need to move on. So, i have made the decision and told him just now. I am sad now but I have to let go.
I really appreciate P for coming to my life. I’m sorry that I can’t continue the journey with him. He is a good guy and I wish he will meet someone better than me soon. Thank you and Sorry.
I will miss you.
左手kim 